First 250 Revisited…Thoughts?

My goal on this blog is to share the process I am going through as I travel the road to authorship.  Is that even a word?

I put my first 250 words out there for the Twitter, Blog, and Facebook world to critique…talk about scary.  Can I just say, you writers are some of the coolest people.  I got some amazing feedback, which I will share with you now.

Suggestions:
1.  The intro is a bit confusing, maybe start with the last paragraph.
2.  The word “had” is overused (I need to revisit my post on Crutch Words)
3.  Avoid backstory and start in the heart of what’s happening in Sarah’s life.

Drum Roll Please…here’s the revision.  FYI, I am still open to feedback.  You writers ROCK!

Under Western Skies
Inspirational/Sweet Romance

With each bend in the canyon road I expected it to appear, and with each bend I was disappointed.  I’d been waiting for this moment since fifth grade when I’d given a report on California as part of a history unit.  Two other kids had chosen California, but the teacher wanted each student to report on a different state.  She jotted our names on a piece of paper and dropped them into a coffee cup.  Mine was the one pulled out first…I may have done a happy dance in my mind.

“It’ll be a minute,” Brian said, noticing my tapping foot.

Brian, my oldest cousin, lived in San Luis Obispo.  He’d been bugging me to visit him for the last three years, knowing how much I wanted to see the ocean.  It wasn’t until now the opportunity to visit presented itself, which was good because he would be graduating from Cal Poly in June.

After picking me up from the airport he suggested we go to Pismo for dinner.  I was hungry from a long day of travel, and when he told me the restaurant was on the beach he had me sold.

I felt a tinge of excitement at the prospect of seeing the ocean for the first time, despite how things had been going over the past year.  It felt good to look forward to something.  Turn after turn I waited for it appear.  It wasn’t until we reached the top of the canyon that it popped into view like a gigantic blue jack-in-the box. ­­

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